My mind as I think I'm talking to my best friend.
He would say, “What’s wrong Jenn?”
I would say with tears, “I'm so frustrated and upset and I'm depressed. Yeah I'm depressed because it’s that time of month again and everything is out of wack, but I can't help it. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him everything that on my mind and get some words out of him. Because I want to talk. But I can't talk to him, because he’s having an episode where he wants to be alone and I can't do anything about it. And just wanting to talk when he’s always like this, we always end up arguing or having a misunderstanding or having a heated conversation and I feel like every time he’s like this and I try. Try to make sure everything is all right we just end up everything being fucked up. And I feel so much of a burden to him because all we end up doing is hurting each other over something we never get to say clearly and I don’t want that anymore. I just want to talk. I just want to hear a simple, ‘Hi, how are you today.” But I can't. And it hurts so badly, because I don’t seen anything wrong in just talking. What’s wrong with just saying words to each other that puts smile on our faces? Nothing, I would assume right. But no. I can't. I just want to talk and I can't.”
He would then say with a worried face, “Then just talk.”
“I can't.” I would cry, “He always wants me gone when he’s like this. He never wants me around or to say anything because I'm just a burden. I want to talk to so badly. I want to say so much with no meaning and just saying worthless things to each other but I can't. Because nothing is like how it used to be. It’s all fucked up and we can't even be anything anymore. I wish we could just go back to being the way were before we ever thought of loving each other. Where the idea was set in our head but we didn’t act on it and we just stayed in each other’s company. I don’t even get his company anymore. He acts like I don’t even exist. It hurts. Because I love him. I love him so much. I want to wake up in the morning with a text message saying ‘good morning’ from him and I don’t even get that much. I don’t even get text messages from him. I always am the one that start them. The one that makes the conversation. And I just feel like I should disappear because he does not want me around. Not at all. He wants to say much goodbye to me. I can feel it, but he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t want to hurt me… but like that matters because I’m already so heart broken. He feels so much pity for me. And that’s why he’s still here. Because it’s out of pity. All he ever says to me is ‘I’m sorry.’ I never get anything else from him but this fucking pity shit. I don’t want pity, I want him. I want him to fucking say what he fucking wants so I can understand to leave or stay… I hate this waiting game. That I have to wait for him always. All I ever wanted was him but I can never have that. So in the back of my mind I picture the happiness we could have had and I will never get. I picture him actually loving me and the situations where he could come back to me at any moment. But nothing will happen. He’s going to sit there, waiting for me to understand to leave and say ‘good riddance’ when it’s over. Because I am nothing to him. Not even a friend anymore. And I can see it on his face. In his words and his laughs. But he doesn’t say anything because he’s staying out of pity and because he doesn’t know how to say how much of a burden I am. And I'm sitting here in so much fucking hope that he will turn around and love me again. But it will never happen because he could give a damn about me. It hurts so much to love a man that will never give a damn about you.”
He would say, “What’s wrong Jenn?”
I would say with tears, “I'm so frustrated and upset and I'm depressed. Yeah I'm depressed because it’s that time of month again and everything is out of wack, but I can't help it. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him everything that on my mind and get some words out of him. Because I want to talk. But I can't talk to him, because he’s having an episode where he wants to be alone and I can't do anything about it. And just wanting to talk when he’s always like this, we always end up arguing or having a misunderstanding or having a heated conversation and I feel like every time he’s like this and I try. Try to make sure everything is all right we just end up everything being fucked up. And I feel so much of a burden to him because all we end up doing is hurting each other over something we never get to say clearly and I don’t want that anymore. I just want to talk. I just want to hear a simple, ‘Hi, how are you today.” But I can't. And it hurts so badly, because I don’t seen anything wrong in just talking. What’s wrong with just saying words to each other that puts smile on our faces? Nothing, I would assume right. But no. I can't. I just want to talk and I can't.”
He would then say with a worried face, “Then just talk.”
“I can't.” I would cry, “He always wants me gone when he’s like this. He never wants me around or to say anything because I'm just a burden. I want to talk to so badly. I want to say so much with no meaning and just saying worthless things to each other but I can't. Because nothing is like how it used to be. It’s all fucked up and we can't even be anything anymore. I wish we could just go back to being the way were before we ever thought of loving each other. Where the idea was set in our head but we didn’t act on it and we just stayed in each other’s company. I don’t even get his company anymore. He acts like I don’t even exist. It hurts. Because I love him. I love him so much. I want to wake up in the morning with a text message saying ‘good morning’ from him and I don’t even get that much. I don’t even get text messages from him. I always am the one that start them. The one that makes the conversation. And I just feel like I should disappear because he does not want me around. Not at all. He wants to say much goodbye to me. I can feel it, but he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t want to hurt me… but like that matters because I’m already so heart broken. He feels so much pity for me. And that’s why he’s still here. Because it’s out of pity. All he ever says to me is ‘I’m sorry.’ I never get anything else from him but this fucking pity shit. I don’t want pity, I want him. I want him to fucking say what he fucking wants so I can understand to leave or stay… I hate this waiting game. That I have to wait for him always. All I ever wanted was him but I can never have that. So in the back of my mind I picture the happiness we could have had and I will never get. I picture him actually loving me and the situations where he could come back to me at any moment. But nothing will happen. He’s going to sit there, waiting for me to understand to leave and say ‘good riddance’ when it’s over. Because I am nothing to him. Not even a friend anymore. And I can see it on his face. In his words and his laughs. But he doesn’t say anything because he’s staying out of pity and because he doesn’t know how to say how much of a burden I am. And I'm sitting here in so much fucking hope that he will turn around and love me again. But it will never happen because he could give a damn about me. It hurts so much to love a man that will never give a damn about you.”
He would wrap his arms around me to console me while I just cry.
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