Message to Justin.

I somehow don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Every day I gave you everything I had, I waited for you and submerged myself in the ultimate feeling of love about you. Now that everything is gone and you aren’t going to speak one word to me, I carry myself in a sense of loneliness and emptiness. One day, I will forget this emptiness because I will find something to fill it. But I will never forget how much I love you. To be honest with myself, if you came back being who I know you are, I would take you back in an instant. Because from the last year, my whole body and mind has been so infatuated with you that I really forget how to breathe when I remember that happiness I felt. My dear Justin, my dear said wolf that wondered lonely far, I will always love you. As much as I convince myself to forget and never forgive, you will remain so wondrously there. Not because of the pain you caused to me, but because of the happiness you laid upon my face and the skips of my heart beats. I will learn from this supposed rushed mistake, and grow. Grow within my fields and smile as the rain passes. Please always know, your name is etched into the grounds of my heart, where its smothered in the lost love of my golden rye. If you do come back to me in the time when you grow to a stronger heart to speak with, I will submissively smile and give you the open arms of the friend that will always be there. But with the now time, I shall move on graciously and always have my heart filled with your laughter and that rare warm smile that crossed your lips every once in your blue full moon. Because to me, you were the ultimate man to my heart; so perfect, so subtle and so precious. I will laugh soon, don’t you forget … Really don’t forget about me, like I will never forget about you. Justin ... I love you.
~Goodbye hopeless feelings.

What goes on in my head.

My mind as I think I'm talking to my best friend.
He would say, “What’s wrong Jenn?”
I would say with tears, “I'm so frustrated and upset and I'm depressed. Yeah I'm depressed because it’s that time of month again and everything is out of wack, but I can't help it. I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him everything that on my mind and get some words out of him. Because I want to talk. But I can't talk to him, because he’s having an episode where he wants to be alone and I can't do anything about it. And just wanting to talk when he’s always like this, we always end up arguing or having a misunderstanding or having a heated conversation and I feel like every time he’s like this and I try. Try to make sure everything is all right we just end up everything being fucked up. And I feel so much of a burden to him because all we end up doing is hurting each other over something we never get to say clearly and I don’t want that anymore. I just want to talk. I just want to hear a simple, ‘Hi, how are you today.” But I can't. And it hurts so badly, because I don’t seen anything wrong in just talking. What’s wrong with just saying words to each other that puts smile on our faces? Nothing, I would assume right. But no. I can't. I just want to talk and I can't.”
He would then say with a worried face, “Then just talk.”
“I can't.” I would cry, “He always wants me gone when he’s like this. He never wants me around or to say anything because I'm just a burden. I want to talk to so badly. I want to say so much with no meaning and just saying worthless things to each other but I can't. Because nothing is like how it used to be. It’s all fucked up and we can't even be anything anymore. I wish we could just go back to being the way were before we ever thought of loving each other. Where the idea was set in our head but we didn’t act on it and we just stayed in each other’s company. I don’t even get his company anymore. He acts like I don’t even exist. It hurts. Because I love him. I love him so much. I want to wake up in the morning with a text message saying ‘good morning’ from him and I don’t even get that much. I don’t even get text messages from him. I always am the one that start them. The one that makes the conversation.  And I just feel like I should disappear because he does not want me around. Not at all. He wants to say much goodbye to me. I can feel it, but he doesn’t. Because he doesn’t want to hurt me… but like that matters because I’m already so heart broken. He feels so much pity for me. And that’s why he’s still here. Because it’s out of pity. All he ever says to me is ‘I’m sorry.’ I never get anything else from him but this fucking pity shit. I don’t want pity, I want him. I want him to fucking say what he fucking wants so I can understand to leave or stay… I hate this waiting game. That I have to wait for him always. All I ever wanted was him but I can never have that. So in the back of my mind I picture the happiness we could have had and I will never get. I picture him actually loving me and the situations where he could come back to me at any moment. But nothing will happen. He’s going to sit there, waiting for me to understand to leave and say ‘good riddance’ when it’s over. Because I am nothing to him. Not even a friend anymore. And I can see it on his face. In his words and his laughs. But he doesn’t say anything because he’s staying out of pity and because he doesn’t know how to say how much of a burden I am. And I'm sitting here in so much fucking hope that he will turn around and love me again. But it will never happen because he could give a damn about me. It hurts so much to love a man that will never give a damn about you.”

He would wrap his arms around me to console me while I just cry.

Mind Post #Dontremember

Hello mind.
Do you hear the cries?
Not just cries of the heart.
Not the cries that rain down on my fields lately.
But possibly the cries of happiness.

As much as my chest hurts.
As much as my mind is filled with him.
I have found a peaceful place to lie.
And not so much get drenched in the tears of my red clouds.

Happiness intertwined the words of friends.
It sounds so sweet.
And the way he acts now because of it.
Is so wonderful to enjoy.

With everything that had happened.
I finally understand how to control him.
How to control myself.
Even how hard that may be to overcome.
How it now understands that mind I am so fascinated with.
I have learned the way he enjoys to twist the loneliness he beholds.
And counteract it with the space enough for care that his laughs are still lingering.

I enjoy, somewhat that feeling.
This happiness.
And what if.
It was always meant to be this way.
And never anything more.

To think I could have sabotaged everything.
And lost him over something worse.
I don’t think, I could ever live with the truth then.
Never.

Enticing Feelings.

Peace within my soul, however.
What if, we became what we truly intended to become.
If we were always meant to be the ones that smiled at each other and everyone wondered.
Wondered if beneath our eyes we had a love that swallowed the earth whole.
But in the truth we held each other over the simplicity of just the fact we could.
That no feelings remained on the surface.
And we just lived on as ourselves.
Holding each other up by our hands.
With not a love that we could not live without one another.
But by the support we gave and the words that were conditionally unsaid.
That we never needed anything but the smiles and the bashful plays.
We lived as we are.
Not the lovers with the title that holds up down.
But the ones that could always remain so wonderfully peaceful as the friends that went beyond the normal boundaries of what reality said so true.

untitled #3

If you could only read what I have written in my heart about you.
Maybe then you would understand how much I felt.
I tried to tell you so many times.
But every time.
It seemed too dissipated before it fell upon your ears.
And now I'm left alone with feelings that shall never be heard.