Yearning

The feeling I get, is just too much.
I even can't begin to explain what you do.
I try so hard to let it out.
But yet, everything in my mind is a swirling happiness that I grab for.
So trying, I get the harder portion of what I please.
Where I can't think and understand the purpose of you making me shudder on these words.
I … here are these words that I can't even begin with.

To think.
Just once.
My dear love.
I yearn for your skin tonight.
I yearn for you.
I want you so badly that my head is spinning off my shoulders.

I beg you to make my body scream upon the earth.
To curve into my own and pry at what is so eagerly waiting.
The slower you make my world revolve upon my hinges.
The more want I get to make your skin crawl when my fingers dig into your shoulders.
Oh how the rushing red that crawls along your cheeks are much to handle.
I sigh with happiness just thinking about it.

Dear...

Dear the man that holds my heart,
I want to scream on the top of my lungs about how I can't get a single word from you that you care. I want to fall to my knees and never try anymore to get it from you, but yet, I can't. I can't even try to not to talk to you at all because I get so happy just speaking to you and I now feel like the overbearing person. The only way I feel like you want me around is when I offer my body to you, like before. Is that all you care about? Because I feel so much for you that it’s so unconditionally hurting me from the inside. I'm crying because I can't help but think about all this when I get this so fucking depressed. And I can't even fix myself like this, because all I do is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Thinking about the things that make me frown, and when I do they just cloud up my fucking head and they can't go away and I fall deeper. I don’t want to think about you like this anymore because I care, adore and feel like I'm falling so hard for you and I just want to think about being with you. I want you so much. I hate myself for how badly I want you. Its hurts so much. And I don’t even think you know … or care. Part of me thinks that you’re just leading me on to drop me hard on my ass and I’ll be the one now left behind. As much as that sounds ridiculous I can't help it and you know what, I kind of feel like it. I also don’t give a two shits that you’re busy. Yes I do to a degree, but the fact that I can't get a simple hello from your own efforts is driving me up this continuous wall of fucking emotions that I have obviously shown in this fucking rant of bullshit. I feel like I'm angry. I feel so torn. I feel so confused. I want to fall to my knees and just beg to you what I want from you. I want you body and soul. You make me so frustrated about how much I physically and mentally want you that I could burst from ear to ear.  I wish you could be more persistent in wanting me. I wish you could be push me to tell me what’s wrong till I have no more to say.  I wish you would never give up. I wish you could just let me have you. I can't even begin to think about it all because I feel like if I wanted to tell you and wanted to push this on you, you will walk away and I will be left alone with these tears I'm crying. But I'm not going to give this too you. One day, I'm going to have to man up and actually tell you how I feel. How I feel confused and awkward, maybe as much as you. Maybe were both just incredibly awkward and we can't figure anything out. Maybe it would be better if I just told you how I feel. I don’t know … Maybe one day. But for now, this was a letter for you never to see. A letter I wanted to let out of my system to make me get rid of all the nasty. I feel better, somewhat. I still want you. Badly. For better, or for worse.
Sincerely,
The question girl that adores you.

Plea

Between today and tomorrow.
Through the time of the spaces.
In the wonders not yet seen in the hearts.
Will you please.
Will you try.
Can you please give me something here.
Here I want to think you try.
That you please.
How everything could so perfectly be.
And you will be the thing I adore so much.
What happened?
I deeply in thinking wonder.
How the soft hands of a tight grip are loose and slipping.

untitled 1

I know I want to take things slow and have him get used to everything but, I regret every moment not being with him because I was so unhappy with everything before. And now I have my chance and I want it so much and you know, I can't control myself. I try everyday not to talk to him, but I give in later in the day because I just want to talk. That’s all I ever wanted, because it makes me happy. And sometimes I feel I can't even get that much anymore because no one understands that I just want some form of life that they actually care and want to talk to me. And somehow I feel like, he will always be the one I could never have. Because I screwed everything over with him before and I feel like I’ll never have him again like before because I hurt him so much. And I want to use as much time as I'm given to know that much that he does care. It sucks because I'm so unsure about everything and I just want to throw my hands up and say I'm done, but I can't physically because for so long I’ve wanted something and I can't let it go. I just … I really can't and don’t know.

A prayer.

Is it that Aphrodite is curing me, yet again.
Is it that she wants me to feel pain for something I can't have.
Does she want me to suffer this time around?
Did I have the perfect relationship and fuck it up?
And now I can never have what I want?
Why is that?
Or maybe I'm just thinking to much and my curse has driven me over.
Maybe in a sense, she wants me to think it out and figure it out.
Or maybe just a curse.
I want to know.
Is there anything I can't do.
I just want something.
Some reassurance.
My dear Aphrodite, please.
Help me.
One thing.
Tell me it’s a lie.
Or something to live for.
I need something.
Please.
Eros?
The two twindling with the love that I am so unsure about.
Something.
I beg you.
and I will probably get nothing.
But I want something.
A sign.
Please.
I can't think like this anymore.
I don’t want to loose the most perfect thing for me over something I don’t know.
Maybe you aren’t telling me anything because it’s the truth.
Maybe everything I'm thinking is the truth.
And he’s gone forever.
I don’t want him to.
Please, anything but that.
I beg, my most weakest form to you.
I don’t want to lose him again.
Never.
Ever.
Again.

Aren’t my tears enough for you?

I don't know....

      Pros:                                                                  Cons:
Wanted my number.                                   Hes different, it scares
                                                                        me
Skype called me first.                                 <- Am I ugly?
Wants me to come to Canada.                   Just wants to fuck me.
                                                                         I'm any other girl.
He tells me he likes me.                              It’s a lie.
He’s just awkward.                                    Wants to get rid of me
…                                                              Hes never acted like this,
                                                                      it scares me.
…                                                              I'm really confused.
He is so perfect.                                         He’s pulling away from
                                                                      perfect.

He has always made me happy.                  I'm not happy.

Mind Post #16

What are off the edges of my mind?
Is it the chaos that I never want?
Is it my past and pains that I keep locked up?
Or is it the crazy I have embedded in my soul ready to release when needed?

Being within my fields, I never thought to travel there.
To the edges.
To my endless thoughts.
Could it be the trees I see in the distance?
Or maybe the black abyss that I fell into.
If I went there, would I lose all of reality.
When I think.
I’ve never thought about the trees surrounding.
But when I noticed their strangely existence.
They seem dark in the ways.
Mysterious and cold.
My fields are warmer.
The sun always shines here.

My golden fields always hug and hold me.
My hazed red skies a boom.
And when I feel hands upon my shoulders, I believe they are here for me.
Could they come from the trees I never tried to venture?
Or would they come from me?
The fragments I want so badly.

Maybe when I feel like a tuned to try, I’ll hold his hand.
He’s claimed to have been there.
I don’t remember if I have.
Maybe he shall be my guiding light.
Or the black dead piece of my mind.
Who knows.
He’s always there when I crawl on knees.
I find him … waiting for me.
Laying in my hearth, singing serenade from his lips.
His hands so strongly, grasping at my skies above and then so gently for my reddened face.
Oh and that imaginative feeling of his arms around me and his sweet words in my ears.
The warmth feels as good as my blazing red skies.

I can't help but stare now.
At the trees I so helplessly forgot.
Have they been waiting for me?
Staring.
Waving me on when my windy occasion comes along.
How could I ever know...
Maybe if I took a step forward beyond the tree line break …
Would I fall?

Mind Post #15

As angry and sad as I felt.
With all my tears falling into the lap.
All I wanted was you in my arms.
And when you came to them.
You over-ran me with happiness.
You made me forget the stupidity of the other and just made me think about you.

Even though my mind was rattling with the sound of your voice.
I wanted you more and more.
With my insecurities and never realized how stupid I was thinking.
You were here.
You didn’t leave.
You’ll be mine with time.
Stupid mind thinking it was different.
Stupid mind for thinking it was much less.
Stupid mind that couldn’t think and made you weird with my stupid plea.
Though that weird made me smile.
Cause now I can't help myself but make you feel that way and picture the blush upon your cheeks.

I blame myself for thinking in the way I get when I’m taken by the substance of my soul.
But I blame you too.
I blame you for making me think so much.
Yet, I can't help myself from doing it so often.
My mind has something it wants and I don’t think it’s going to let it go.

And oh so.
I have gotten what I wanted.
In a sense that I am happy to just have possessed.
Though my body calls for the real thing.
That shall come in time.
Yes?
Oh hope, do so it does.
Because the more my body cries the more I feel my body falling deeper.
If it continues, I might need to stop myself.
Please tell me I don’t need to stop myself.

With my toes curling into my fields as I playfully dance among them. I don’t regret you. I want you more. My red skies seemed a strange shade of purple hinting through. Maybe that’s my heart showing through the sun and brightening my smiles. Maybe … just maybe.

Mind Post #14

What ever gave you the right to insult me?
You were never there for me.
You never made me happy.
You always fucked us over even though I tried to fix it over and over again.
You had no right.
You had no integrity to tell me those things.
It was your entire fault.
Your entire fault I moved on and am happy alone.
It makes me so angry.
I have nothing more to say to you.
Maybe with time, I could say something.
But right now.
You are lower than dirt.
Don’t. Speak. To. Me.
You gave me tears yesterday and made me hate myself.
Fuck you.